cBirds_past

5-9-06 Technology. I hate technology. It might seem kind of strange that I am using technology to spread hate across the world. I’m not happy about. What you don’t see is the pile of debris that has been left in the wake of my battle with technology. If my computer tells me one more time that it cannot find a server I just might seek out a server and beat it to death with my computer. Another piece of techno garbage that I hate is them stupid phones that people hang from their ear. Who the hell do you think you are. What is so hard about holding the phone to your ear. They really aren’t that heavy. And don’t stick your nose in the air and tell me that is so you can drive safer. You and I know that this is not true. Its soul purpose is to make your self feel more important than the rest of us. I can’t wait till you all have giant ugly tumors on your ears so I can feel like I am better than you. Another one that really gripes my ass is digital cameras. I don’t mind everyone having cameras, (mostly because it puts money in my pocket) but just because you have a fancy piece technology does not make you a photographer. It’s called a snapshot. What you do has always been and always will be nothing but a snapshot. If you use a camera phone you just might be the lowest of the low. I can’t wait for some asshole to put a camera in the ear phone. At least if they do this you will only get cancer in your ear and not on your hand. I’m going to wrap this up by just saying that I wish that I lived in the 50’s.

5-2-06 Louie Barletta. Lets start with dude’s ridicules haircut. I had that haircut when I was 7 and I thought it look stupid then. Next is the nose ring, seriously Louie your making it to easy. The last part of your appearance and more then likely the most offensive is the fact that you sometimes rock the sweater vest. I think that maybe you should really consider quitting skateboarding and apply to SF Institute of Art; they might think you are the greatest thing since sliced tofu. Those are all just minor offenses compared to the next thing I have to say. Rod Stewart. What the hell, Man. Now I have to like a Rod Stewart song because of you and your skateboarding. If I ever get the chance I would like to watch you skateboard in person and then when you are done and I have finished my 12 pack of High Life I’d like to kick the snot out of you. And if I get lucky I’d do it all again the next day. Go get Bag of Suck, watch it, say what the hell, buy Rod Stewart’s album, and learn to hate Louie too. Seriously get a haircut.

4-27-06 Skateboard Fashion. It is a useless wooden toy. Get over yourselves. Enough with the damn flair already. If I have to watch Steven Tyler’s microphone stand blunt slide another ledge I just might snap. And what the hell is with all the damn hippies. Where do you keep coming from? If Jamaica is so great why don’t you just move there. After you are there for five minutes I’ll be there with a pair of clippers ready to cut all that nappy hair off your skull for your trip back. The one thing I respect about you guys is you have fun. But so do I and my head is shave and insect free. I’m not saying that you gotta take a shower every day; hell I’m a proud NH dirt but at least once a week. I’m not done yet. All you guys with your hats on crooked, do you think it looks good or are you retarded. This is a trick question because either way you answer it you retarded. And last but not least you fruit cakes wearing the girls jeans. Just stop. No one wants to see your tiny side pipe. Put on a pair of comfortable slacks and lets roll.

4-17-06 Money I am not complaining about not having money or wishing I had more money; in that regard I am doing just fine. I am pissed about the fact that the entire world revolves around it. Some asshole from a jewelry store decided to try and make you feel bad because you didn’t buy your wife, girlfriend, or maybe even your boyfriend a new shinny trinket to celebrate the Son of God being nailed to a tree. What in the hell is wrong with this country. And don’t you dare start singing the blame Canada song. You can blame them for a lot of things but this one is all us. How could someone be so greedy and shallow (we are talking about a nail through the palm of his hand and into a tree). What’s next a gold crown of thorns with lots of diamonds to show that you are not only richer than everyone but also more religious. I hope you burn in hell. So help me God if someone tries to sell me a Jesus shaped ice cream cake at Christmas you will not have to worry about Iran or North Korea, I will be your problem.

4-10-06 Aging I am only 26. But I wish I was sixty. I want to wake up at 5 in the morning and go to bed at 7pm after a long day of drinking lemonade and cleaning my shotgun on my porch. I don’t want to feel bad about myself for staying in to watch a great program on the history channel. I like complaining about the damn kids that drive their automobiles up and down the street with radio up playing what they call music (this is grounds for another rant). So I say the hell with youth. As of today I am an old man. But not one of those up beet old men, I am the new and improved Walter Matthau. So watch out you wippersnappers I’m coming to ruin everything you like. Now if you don’t mind I am late for the Early Bird Special. I

4-03-06 Speeders: I hate people that don’t think that seeding is a crime. If you get caught, you get in trouble. You dumb ass’s that go to court to fight you tickets are costing me money. That’s right you never thought about the cost of the judge and court officers what about the overtime for the cops. Just pay your damn fine you self serving pile of crap and move on with your pathetic life. I think that I am going to go and get the court records for every one that fights their tickets and then go their house and rob it. Then when I get arrested I can tell the judge that I don’t feel like going to jail and that I shouldn’t have to because other people rob houses and don’t get caught. At the very least I think that I should get my sentence cut from 5 years to 6 months because I came to court.

3-27-06 IPODS: F’ing Ipods man. I remember when some old buzzard would roll up with a 30 rack of Shlitz (this was before Pabst got so cool) and boom box blaring some sort of offensive punk rock or metal. Now I have to put up with all these deaf mutes skating around with white cords coming out of their ears. Remember when skateboarding was fun. Take out the ear buds and the mouth guard bragh. I’ll let you keep the kneepads even though the ramp is only 3 feet tall. “Run to the Hills” I’m taking back skateboarding one ghetto blaster and brew at time. As for you youngsters with the cancerous tumors in your ears Soccer tryouts are next Tuesday I suggest you all pile into moms mini van and leave the skateboarding to real men.

3-13-06 The News: Since I have decided to let myself get older I started to have the urge to watch the news when I get up and have my morning coffee. The only problem is that the news does not exist in the morning. "The News" consists of what kind of toothpaste one of the "Desperate Over the Hill Wives" thinks is the best this week. Unlike the rest of you I support the war. In fact I think we should invade more useless countries (That's right Iran I'm talking about you). This is what I want on the news not what is on that concentrated stick of stupidity Paris Hilton's Blueberry super phone camera computer thing.

10-7-05 Mencia: I am really pissed off that Carlos Mencia can get away with saying all the things that I want to say just because he is a beaner. I am probably going to do at least five years because I just used that term Beaner. I mean don’t get me wrong that is one funny wetback. I guess that I am just jelous because as a white male I could not say anything close to what he says. Lighten up America. And Carlos Dee Dee Dee to you to.

9-22-05 Sea Level: At the risk of sounding totally uncompassionate I am about to complain about New Orleans. I am really annoyed at the fact that people that live below sea level did not feel that it was a good idea to buy flood insurance. It sucks that your house is gone but if you did not pay for it you should not receive the same benefit as those who were smart enough to make the investment. I think that this is a time inwich many people need the help of others but sueing to get something you did not pay for will hurt many more than it will help.

9-13-05 Milk and Water:I am so sick and tired of hearing people complain about the price of gas. The thing about oil is it is nonrenewable. That means when it is gone its gone, Meathead. Milk and water will be around longer than all of us but no one complains about paying the same price if not then petroleum distillates (that means gas). I drive 120 miles a day and I don't see the point of complaining about the price of gas. And do you really think that your whining is going to change the mindset of the people producing the oil. I mean no one can convince those people to change out of their pajamas. Pay up and Shut up.

8-15-05 Rude People: I hate people that truly believe that they are batter than anyone else. Reading a book or going to a fancy school does not impress me one bit. I also hate people that think that the world owes them something especially when the haven't done anything for anyone but themselves. I don't care if you are gay, black, white, purple, or got no legs no one owes you a thing. So get off your high horse before someone takes you off.

8-08-05 Fast Food: I can't see any reason why any one needs to eat a cheese burger at 2am. I hate the fat sacks of fat that eat fast food and then talk about how fat they are but can't figure out why as they shove a fry into their blowhole. I would also like to know which idiot that came up with idea that a salad from one of these hellholes is the root to inner peace. I'm going to open Chum Buckets so I can call a spade a spade and make you whales even bigger so I can harpoon you and solve the energy crisis.

8-01-05 Lance Armstrong: I hate that everyone and their mother pretends that they give a rats ass about some dude covered in spandex riding his Schwinn through the south of France. I don't doubt that is a tough thing to do but that does not mean I have to care. I am sure that there has been other cancer survivors that have done much more important things. It also pisses me off to see all these stupid yellow bracelets. I give money to charity but I don't need to show the world which ones to feel better about myself.

7-25-05 Vanity Plates: I guess I just don't get the point of paying more money for a plate that you can't even see unless you are standing behind your car saying "Dude my ride is so sweet." Get over yourself. Is it that you think you are better than the people who stick with the good old 7 number plate stamped by an inmate by the same number. Here is my plate # IH8U

7-18-05 Pads: I can't stand when people wear full pads to skate anything except vert. I mean for the love of God why would you ever knee slide out of a 50-50 on a ledge. I don't know why kids don't just run out of things. What's next at skateparks mouth guards or perhaps cheerleaders.

7-11-05 Computers: I hate damn computers. I hate that there are people out there that have nothing better to do with their life than create viruses and other things I think they call spy ware. All I know is that the shit sucks. I am sure that because of one those pieces of shit my computer is going to crash before I finish.

7-4-05 Political Correctness: I hate political correctness. I can't stand how sensitive people are. I think that if everyone lighten up a little the world would be a better place. I also hate how some people think that they are better than you because they are so enlightened and sensitive. Their full of shit, they just don't want anyone to think ill of them. Remember you are not better than me.

6-28-05 Kerry Stickers: I hate that people can't remove the stupid John Kerry bumper stickers from their cars in a timely manor. The guy lost, get over it. If you need help getting the damn sticker off of you car let me now I will give you hand just so I don't have to look at the damn thing. Also a vote for Nader is not a vote for Bush it is a vote for Nader. If you believe that there can never be a third party than do me a favor and tell me which parties were in the first elections. Do the Whigs and Tories mean anything to you, Jackass. Let the hate mail roll in.

6-21-05 Waiting: I hate that I made this a weekly commentary instead of an hourly. I hate so many things that is very hard for me to just limit it to one thing each week and I also don't have a lot of room here I could go on for weeks but I won't. See you next week and remember that it is ok to hate.